Hello, my name is Michelle and I have a whole in my heart….now that wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be!
Once, actually a couple of times, I went to the doctors and they told me I had a heart murmur (a hole in my heart) but I thank God for putting the enemy to shame. After further scans and labs they found nothing of that nature.
With that situation, God was trying to show me things that I was either oblivious to or just plain refused to acknowledge. One of those things was trust.
After being hurt and hurting others it was kinda hard to place all your trust in this one person even when you know He is the only one capable of being good & perfect. It’s like I can’t trust myself or others, but here comes Jesus saying “I know you've been playing around in this roller-coaster ride you call religion, but I want something more with you”
Before being healed, my faith was tested at that moment, because I had only two options one of which was trust that God is who He says He is, and the other was don’t trust Him but try to see if you can do it on your own. God reminded me of what He did for me as a little girl.
Okay, so story time (I love telling stories if you hadn't guessed already lol) when I was probably about 8 or so my grandmother fell ill. My family went over to see her and I remember us just looking at her and I asked everyone to leave the room so I could pray for her. When they left I asked her to kneel on the ground, then I stretched out my little hands on her head and asked the Lord to heal her. I was completely, without a doubt in my heart sure that Jesus was able to do anything and the next day my grandma was well.
Sometimes we have to reach back into what God has done for us to remember that He is able, because it’s so easy to be focused on what you can see in front of you.
Now fast forward to when I was given the news about the murmur. I made a decision to put my trust in God and He healed me, whilst showing me that I needed to learn to trust Him in every aspect of my life.
Another thing God used the situation to bring to my attention was that there has been a spiritual hole deep in my heart that needed healing. Because He knew how visually immersed I could get; He let my attention be caught in the physical first and then used it to show me the real problem.
This hole begun to form long before I even knew how a heart worked, or its usefulness in my body. As a result of this hole, this empty space in my heart, I would always feel incomplete. I tried to fill it thinking that maybe always having someone interested, some kind of best friend, people blowing up my phone, or a relationship; I still felt alone. I wanted more and I made myself believe that the more I was seeking for was God when really it wasn't. In reality I just didn't want to be alone, I wanted God so He could be my personal ATM machine and get me what I really wanted, His creations/ ‘Adam’/a best friend/ a clique.
God cannot be deceived, no matter how much we think we can manipulate Him. He created us and he knows everything about us and I do mean everything. He sees it before it even happens, how can we think we can hide our motives from Him?
Jeremiah 17:10
“But I, the Lord, search all hearts and examine secret motives. I give all people their due rewards, according to what their actions deserve.”
For so long I tried to cover this hole in my heart with everything else but the piece that was actually missing. Just like a puzzle, each piece takes a certain shape and to make it whole you have to place shapes together that complement themselves to complete the puzzle. No matter how much we think a piece looks much better than the piece that was intended to fill a spot; it can never be a substitute or give that puzzle more meaning than the original piece intended to fill that space.
It was the same thing for my heart. I lost sight of what my focus should have been and I was looking to fill the space that only God can occupy with other things; it’s no wonder I felt so incomplete.
It’s no wonder I was living less than, and this is usually the point where we begin to blame the enemy but truth be told, we make the decisions. Just the same way when I was first given the news about the hole in my heart, I decided to go with God, I also have been given that option every day and so have you.
I’m sure people are wondering well how this even fits in with the part of the title that reads “eyes on the prize”?
Well, I made myself believe that I was chasing after God to fill that void, to heal me, and to complete me. I was in this facade I had created with Jesus starring on the front page of my life as my always and forever. But a facade is just what it is, it’s not real! It’s a method of hiding behind a front so you don’t deal with the real issue. Jesus wasn't the prize I was running the race to win, He wasn't my focus and until I accepted that something needed to be changed, then I could never heal.
As human beings, we tend to do some crazy things just because we don’t want to be alone or separated from everyone else; we want to feel loved, apart of something bigger than us, and to change the world!If you look at the bible, being alone is not a bad thing as evidenced through people like Noah and Abraham who God gave instructions when they were by themselves. You are never really alone, God is always, and I do mean always there no matter what. So my focus and the focus of us all should be Jesus, not the stuff He brings but Him.
If we can change our focus we will have a lot more peace of mind because the actions of others or even ourselves won’t slow us down, as we would be so engulfed in His being we wouldn't take notice of anything He didn't approve. The reason most of us tend to dwell on what is wrong with us is highly correlated to our main focus. When our eyes are set on the “real prize” we wouldn't have time to dwell on the other stuff because we would be so lost in His presence and know without a doubt that He is able to do exceeding abundantly everything we could ever think or ask, including repair our hearts and make them whole (Ephesians 3:20)
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